(Wow is there a LOT of Hello Kitty sh*t out there.) It’s been a long time! But as usual I’ve missed rambling. Spring has come to our home finally – warmish weather, our flowers sprouting up, and kids making messes outside ’til dark.
Tag Archives: Thoughts
A couple days after being totally disappointed by sucky people, so eloquent I know, I’m excited by new possibilities. The lesson I should learn is to ask for what I really want and I just might get it, after advertising for *exactly* what I really wanted – I got the perfect call. No settling, no ‘this would help’ or ‘work for now’.
That kind of thinking is just not my strong suit - I’m good at making due, not so much at making strides. Unfortunately, there isn’t someone to hit me over the head immediately when I’m being stupid!
I’ve only crossed off one goal off of my life list in the last couple years. Think I may be going about this the wrong way *snort* Maybe I need to substitute serious things with items I can actually cross off. Lowering standards a bit for the sake of my self esteem – yes.
Even better – take down the stupid list from where I have to see it!
Last summer if felt like my internal world was cracking, though it had been building since about a year ago. I’m pretty good at keeping the plates spinning most the time but I must’ve let one fall as my grandparents seemed to be concerned at a family gathering in May. I thought they were being their usual grandparenty selves ha. Though they treaded lightly, looking back I appreciate them making the effort to a say a few things over the next months. And maybe I’ll figure out how to officially say thanks.
Looking back a bit further, I’m able to see now just how much I was affected by being booted out the door of a job I held, and hated, for so much of my adult life.
That miserable going-no-where job was the one thing keeping me together through every parenting self-doubt, financial woe, up all night crying boyfriend fight, frustration or disappointment. It was my spouse – no matter what mess I went home to – in the morning I had constistency & stability. And sure, boredom. Being the boss’ daughter I had no choice but to try to always be agreeable, do more than my share, never call in sick. And though I hated it and daydreamed of leaving triumphantly while I spend the day sending out resumes ha, how could I leave?
And while I’m thankful for a way to leave what I’ve now described as the Ike Turner of jobs, no matter how much I have a desire to make my own way – I’m missing the constant. I guess I couldn’t be married to my job forever.
Before heading to my grandparents’ Braiden asked me if my aunt would be there for dinner. When I asked why he simply said, ‘she’s fun’. I wasn’t sure but it seems like she just “shows up” when we’re there for dinner a lot in the past months. My grandparents have never given up on trying to put us in the same room for any occasion since I cut her out of my life years ago. I’ve softened, feeling bad at the position I put them in – they’re older and just want their family together. And frankly she adds conversation to the awkwardness of any gathering that includes my deadbeat dad who keeps utter silence unless it’s about sports.
My aunt didn’t come to dinner that day but did call and ask if she could take B to the circus this weekend. I just said I wasn’t sure our schedule and made no mention of it to him. It’s only natural for him to like being around her, she was always my favorite person too – my aunt but my best friend, big sister/mom at times. I always had fun with her. But all that went away, and sometimes I’m very sad to not have a real aunt anymore. The others I have I see only for holidays or we have never had a real relationship. As a mother, I feel bad that I can’t let him have that relationship with her but I don’t know that it will ever feel right.