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Hind Sight

06 Mar

If only I saw a therapist, I could probably have my issues ‘fixed’ by now.  Stop laughing, maybe I could’ve

Last summer if felt like my internal world was cracking, though it had been building since about a year ago.  I’m pretty good at keeping the plates spinning most the time but I must’ve let one fall as my grandparents seemed to be concerned at a family gathering in May.  I thought they were being their usual grandparenty selves ha.  Though they treaded lightly, looking back I appreciate them making the effort to a say a few things over the next months.  And maybe I’ll figure out how to officially say thanks.

Looking back a bit further, I’m able to see now just how much I was affected by being booted out the door of a job I held, and hated, for so much of my adult life.

That miserable going-no-where job was the one thing keeping me together through every parenting self-doubt, financial woe, up all night crying boyfriend fight, frustration or disappointment.  It was my spouse – no matter what mess I went home to – in the morning I had constistency & stability.  And sure, boredom.  Being the boss’ daughter I had no choice but to try to always be agreeable, do more than my share, never call in sick.  And though I hated it and daydreamed of leaving triumphantly while I spend the day sending out resumes ha, how could I leave?

And while I’m thankful for a way to leave what I’ve now described as the Ike Turner of jobs, no matter how much I have a desire to make my own way – I’m missing the constant.  I guess I couldn’t be married to my job forever.

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3 Comments

Posted by on March 6, 2010 in Personal, Thoughts

 

Tags: , ,

3 responses to “Hind Sight

  1. Amanda

    March 21, 2010 at 5:17 pm

    do you ever feel like you could be more open with a stranger/co-worker/friend than you can w/ your family? If a friend reached out to you, would you have opened up or accepted their thoughts? I feel this way about my dad. There is absolutely no animosity, etc, between us but if he ever asked me if something was wrong i don’t know if i could tell him. would it make me embarrassed if i confessed? will i hate myself for not being more open when he is gone? This is my #1 “things i may regret later.” who knows?

     
  2. Leslie

    April 7, 2010 at 6:27 pm

    Oh yeah, I definitely feel that way about certain people. My dad is more perceptive about me than the rest of my family, but also the most probably haha unintentionally hurtful so I’d almost always not know what he’s thinking :p But yes I think it’s always an effort to save face and have a sense of pride around those we’re closest to :\ Though it seems really stupid when you think about it *shrug*

     
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