My mom paid me an unintentional compliment, how much my baby sister is like me. Our temperments, interests, two calming presences.
Lately things have been rough on the homefront. Gone are the arguments about getting a bath, bedtime or cleaning up a room til it’s actually clean. They’ve been replaced with frustrating battles over homework, doing even the simplest things when asked, respecting decisions I make, accepting a “no”. I’ve felt stunned by hearing my child spew out “I don’t have to listen to you” “I can do what I want” and the like. I have to stop a laugh, sure it’s a joke – my kid is not teenager.
We’ve had so many more bad than good days. I’ve eaten many suppers alone, taken many things away. Spent so many days crying, feeling like a fraud that I could take care of other children with some ease. Though I can’t even seem to instill any respect in my own child or the list of other things.
Feeling like an inadequate mess barely wanting to confide in others. I feel bested by the strong willed argumentative nature of a child that is his father’s son. His grandparents and aunt understand a bit more and still praise my tenacity at keeping at hime. Trying to encourage his good behavior, strengths, creative side, teaching him the importance of apologizing and honest prayers.
Things I don’t even see myself doing anymore – my feelings of struggle and failure overshadowing everything else. Those seeds of doubt sprouting up that I shouldn’t have been his mother at all, should of listened to the family pressure to find him a home with two parents that were more equipped for this. Painful to admit.
As I watch B and E playing Legos for hours, laughing and talking, oblivious to the conversation in the next room. I felt the usual twinge of happiness at seeing the besties in action. And saw how well they fit. It works, whether it’s a knockdown drag-out wrestling match or playing endlessly, their personalities are well suited. She’s a me and he’s better with her that anyone else.
Just as B was meant to be my opposite. For whatever reason, God intended him to be my greatest joy and pain. *sigh*