(Wow is there a LOT of Hello Kitty sh*t out there.) It’s been a long time! But as usual I’ve missed rambling. Spring has come to our home finally – warmish weather, our flowers sprouting up, and kids making messes outside ’til dark.
Category Archives: Personal
I’ve earned a nickname of Eva Braun from a friend, after the well known Nazi bride. Today I wear it with pride today *sigh* though usually it makes me laugh so hard as it’s so not me (unless by comparison).
Definitely one of those days I will be the bad guy ’til dark, sending a kid to bed without dinner (unless he eats what was made *eye roll*) and so on. One of those days I’d like to say “wait ’til your father gets home” but well we’ll be waiting a long a** time! God bless the moms that do this with a whole troupe of kids.
A lot and nothing has happened since I’ve last graced the Fortress. Summer has come and gone. We’ve had much mom & B fun. And he spent about a month total gone from me on various trips/grandma visits – the most time ever. It was hard at times (too quiet!) and glorious at others. The times I didn’t miss my momming, I realized after the guilt subsided it was okay to enjoy the freedom. He was having a fabulous time – why shouldn’t I? Sometimes the freedom to come and go is all I need instead of great plans and adventures. But those aren’t so bad either!
The irony of spending Father’s Day with Matt’s family wasn’t lost on me. Especially when he called as we were sitting around visiting. High fives for not forgetting your dad though. The power of mother’s intuition is strong as just when I was going to holler for Braiden to get the ringing phone that no one could get to I froze, knowing exactly who it would be. Freak out on my part averted heh. He did not however, want to speak to B – due to calling from work (double five). I would’ve suggested that over my dead body but his mom is a kind soul. Really believing previous conversations and “what should I say”s as fact not fantasy. It is always heartbreaking to see her deflated by this stuff – I’d rather talk about colonoscopies but I know she needs to and I guess with me because I’ll understand. They all do, apparently the statute of limitations on me not being able to utter his name has ran out and it’s a free for all to discuss with me. Sure I do understand without you having to “explain”, but I don’t want to remember, y’all.
But I digress…It was a really wonderful weekend, spent with all our family really with several different functions. Little MK had no trouble digging into her gifts at her 2nd party, what a girl! She gave both her brother and grandpa (neat freaks) a fit digging into her cake – up the nose and all. No asking for a fork like her brother!
Ending such a busy weekend sitting outside on the back steps watching the kids run and play (and scrape the knees, be covered in grass stains…) was a perfect cap. Why can’t they all be like that!
A couple days after being totally disappointed by sucky people, so eloquent I know, I’m excited by new possibilities. The lesson I should learn is to ask for what I really want and I just might get it, after advertising for *exactly* what I really wanted – I got the perfect call. No settling, no ‘this would help’ or ‘work for now’.
That kind of thinking is just not my strong suit – I’m good at making due, not so much at making strides. Unfortunately, there isn’t someone to hit me over the head immediately when I’m being stupid!
I’ve only crossed off one goal off of my life list in the last couple years. Think I may be going about this the wrong way *snort* Maybe I need to substitute serious things with items I can actually cross off. Lowering standards a bit for the sake of my self esteem – yes.
Even better – take down the stupid list from where I have to see it!
Last summer if felt like my internal world was cracking, though it had been building since about a year ago. I’m pretty good at keeping the plates spinning most the time but I must’ve let one fall as my grandparents seemed to be concerned at a family gathering in May. I thought they were being their usual grandparenty selves ha. Though they treaded lightly, looking back I appreciate them making the effort to a say a few things over the next months. And maybe I’ll figure out how to officially say thanks.
Looking back a bit further, I’m able to see now just how much I was affected by being booted out the door of a job I held, and hated, for so much of my adult life.
That miserable going-no-where job was the one thing keeping me together through every parenting self-doubt, financial woe, up all night crying boyfriend fight, frustration or disappointment. It was my spouse – no matter what mess I went home to – in the morning I had constistency & stability. And sure, boredom. Being the boss’ daughter I had no choice but to try to always be agreeable, do more than my share, never call in sick. And though I hated it and daydreamed of leaving triumphantly while I spend the day sending out resumes ha, how could I leave?
And while I’m thankful for a way to leave what I’ve now described as the Ike Turner of jobs, no matter how much I have a desire to make my own way – I’m missing the constant. I guess I couldn’t be married to my job forever.