I truly understand the saying “awash with emotions” as I felt about everyone one at once. I’d not let her say much about the situation and even though the bitchy realist inside instantly wanted to shout ‘of course he married his meal ticket, it was only a matter of time’. He was always good about the romantic gestures to get back in your good graces, your home, and your heart. I kept my cool and made it into the house.
It hurt. I cried. I wallowed in bed.
I felt embarrassed I’d even given this much time and effort to someone who didn’t deserve one nose blow. But I couldn’t help it, I’d loved him madly, struggled rough times with and someone who’d been in my life in some for for eleven years in either a better or worse fashion was spending forever with someone else. In the end, I was the one alone.
A big fat reminder, it was always me that was hesitant, afraid of being hurt or letting others too close. Knowing full well loving him whole-heartedly always ended badly. And it did, but I was also smacked in the face that it was me that did then ending.
I’d just tried to ignore his life for the last two years since we last spoke. ‘As long as he doesn’t breed, I don’t care what he does’ had been my thought.
I’d been so angry and hurt when he’d moved for several reasons but finally encouraged him to stay when he had second thoughts. I certainly didn’t think we wouldn’t see him again. The pain of the previous spring was easing up and it seemed right for a fresh start.
But ultimately, I hadn’t gotten over things then or now. Hearing the finality in those words just ripped open the scab on the end of things, the things that were said, our child that I had lost and the emptiness I’d been patching over since thinking out of sight out of mind. Being honest, I never wanted him to do well or succeed like I may have said when trying to put the past behind. Selfishly, I wanted to do well, ugh, look what it had gotten me.
It hurt. I cried. I wallowed in bed. Braiden made me get up from my nap at ten p.m., just way to early for me to go to bed in his opinion.
My savior. Somedays he frustrates me beyond belief and I ask God why he couldn’t have given me a quiet girl like myself. At moments like those I know why he didn’t. He gave me just what I needed in my life.
I gathered up my crushed soul and headed for a shower. Determined to get through my last day before vacation I headed to work. I didn’t make it but managed to hold it together through a dead car, tow, and outlandish bill. It was later, the stresses of a terrible work environment that the tears came streaming down my face.