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Tag Archives: All In A Days Work

Ah, that’s better…

After a week of driving myself crazy with nonsense, this week has been a breath of fresh air!  Great meetings, new starts, busy house, a happy kid, easy homework load. 

Granted it’s only a Wednesday, but I’ll take it.  Maybe the promise of fall has put a spring (no pun intended) in my step.  The thought of making pumpkin bread has had me excited all day…on second thought, I may need a bigger social life heh. 

 
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Posted by on September 22, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

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Upper

A couple days after being totally disappointed by sucky people, so eloquent I know, I’m excited by new possibilities.  The lesson I should learn is to ask for what I really want and I just might get it, after advertising for *exactly* what I really wanted – I got the perfect call.  No settling, no ‘this would help’ or ‘work for now’. 

That kind of thinking is just not my strong suit – I’m good at making due, not so much at making strides.  Unfortunately, there isn’t someone to hit me over the head immediately when I’m being stupid!

 
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Posted by on June 16, 2010 in Personal, Thoughts

 

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A few random thoughts on our Spring Break.

1.  Other people’s kids are really fun when you know they’re going home at 4pm.

2. Kids are happiest when playing in a cardboard box or something weird found at the bottom of the toybox.

3.  Cannot believe I wanted 5 children for the longest time, though it’s been a good week with the big kids home I had visions of what Dawn Meehan’s life is like every day, all day.  I would be wiped.

4. Blue bubble gum from Grandma-Easter Bunny was a terrible idea.  If only B would’ve got it in his hair instead of the hilariously spotty carpet so I could cut it.

 
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Posted by on April 7, 2010 in At Home, Random

 

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Hind Sight

If only I saw a therapist, I could probably have my issues ‘fixed’ by now.  Stop laughing, maybe I could’ve

Last summer if felt like my internal world was cracking, though it had been building since about a year ago.  I’m pretty good at keeping the plates spinning most the time but I must’ve let one fall as my grandparents seemed to be concerned at a family gathering in May.  I thought they were being their usual grandparenty selves ha.  Though they treaded lightly, looking back I appreciate them making the effort to a say a few things over the next months.  And maybe I’ll figure out how to officially say thanks.

Looking back a bit further, I’m able to see now just how much I was affected by being booted out the door of a job I held, and hated, for so much of my adult life.

That miserable going-no-where job was the one thing keeping me together through every parenting self-doubt, financial woe, up all night crying boyfriend fight, frustration or disappointment.  It was my spouse – no matter what mess I went home to – in the morning I had constistency & stability.  And sure, boredom.  Being the boss’ daughter I had no choice but to try to always be agreeable, do more than my share, never call in sick.  And though I hated it and daydreamed of leaving triumphantly while I spend the day sending out resumes ha, how could I leave?

And while I’m thankful for a way to leave what I’ve now described as the Ike Turner of jobs, no matter how much I have a desire to make my own way – I’m missing the constant.  I guess I couldn’t be married to my job forever.

 
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Posted by on March 6, 2010 in Personal, Thoughts

 

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Another set back

The road to recovery from Mental Breakdown ’09 has been littered with disappointments. I felt excited and empowered to take charge of my own future. Sure, I’m not really educated or qualified for many of the things I’d love to do, but I have a few skills in here somewhere and damn if I don’t enjoy making stupid bold moves every so often.

I nearly wept last night at the meeting I’d set for morning with a potential client of two kids. So great and the boost I really needed to make this work.

She cancelled. After reconsidering the drive time. Without even meeting me or even discussing rates. I feel a bit like I’ve been dumped. And not sure how I can make this work financially if I can’t swing the clients.

I may be sentenced to work multiple jobs for life.

 
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Posted by on August 17, 2009 in Personal, Thoughts

 

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Hot mess, party of one. [July 27 part 2]

I truly understand the saying “awash with emotions” as I felt about everyone one at once. I’d not let her say much about the situation and even though the bitchy realist inside instantly wanted to shout ‘of course he married his meal ticket, it was only a matter of time’. He was always good about the romantic gestures to get back in your good graces, your home, and your heart. I kept my cool and made it into the house.

It hurt. I cried. I wallowed in bed.

I felt embarrassed I’d even given this much time and effort to someone who didn’t deserve one nose blow. But I couldn’t help it, I’d loved him madly, struggled rough times with and someone who’d been in my life in some for for eleven years in either a better or worse fashion was spending forever with someone else. In the end, I was the one alone.

A big fat reminder, it was always me that was hesitant, afraid of being hurt or letting others too close. Knowing full well loving him whole-heartedly always ended badly. And it did, but I was also smacked in the face that it was me that did then ending.

I’d just tried to ignore his life for the last two years since we last spoke. ‘As long as he doesn’t breed, I don’t care what he does’ had been my thought.

I’d been so angry and hurt when he’d moved for several reasons but finally encouraged him to stay when he had second thoughts. I certainly didn’t think we wouldn’t see him again. The pain of the previous spring was easing up and it seemed right for a fresh start.

But ultimately, I hadn’t gotten over things then or now. Hearing the finality in those words just ripped open the scab on the end of things, the things that were said, our child that I had lost and the emptiness I’d been patching over since thinking out of sight out of mind. Being honest, I never wanted him to do well or succeed like I may have said when trying to put the past behind. Selfishly, I wanted to do well, ugh, look what it had gotten me.

It hurt. I cried. I wallowed in bed. Braiden made me get up from my nap at ten p.m., just way to early for me to go to bed in his opinion.

My savior. Somedays he frustrates me beyond belief and I ask God why he couldn’t have given me a quiet girl like myself. At moments like those I know why he didn’t. He gave me just what I needed in my life.

I gathered up my crushed soul and headed for a shower. Determined to get through my last day before vacation I headed to work. I didn’t make it but managed to hold it together through a dead car, tow, and outlandish bill. It was later, the stresses of a terrible work environment that the tears came streaming down my face.

 
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Posted by on July 27, 2009 in Personal, Thoughts

 

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blahhdy blah.

If ever I needed a swift kick, it was last week. A dramatic, soap opera, slap in the face with someone shouting “get it together!” would probably have done the trick as well. A good sized meltdown – crying, cursing, lamenting, throwing a thing or two – was really building for a while. It’s only a matter of time with me.

I’ve been having a hard time even writing it out, introspection hurts. So did a friend giving me very honest but needed thoughts. I may actually forgive him eventually Though it was true, it’s really me that’s unhappy not all the other “things” that seem to have me losing it lately.

I got such a mood boost at snagging an interview for later this week, what a pleasant, unexpected surprise. Though I have been filled with twinges of sadness at the thought of not being a part of the craziness here, coworkers, clients you can’t help but get involved with and care about. It will pass, if necessary. And if this new opportunity doesn’t work out I’m no worse for the wear.

Now I just need to tackle and triumph over all the bitter angst I’m feeling towards my family as of late. Baby steps to sanity, dear bloggers, baby steps.

 
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Posted by on July 8, 2009 in Personal

 

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