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Tag Archives: Frustration

Nazi mom.

I’ve earned a nickname of Eva Braun from a friend, after the well known Nazi bride.  Today I wear it with pride today *sigh* though usually it makes me laugh so hard as it’s so not me (unless by comparison).

Definitely one of those days I will be the bad guy ’til dark, sending a kid to bed without dinner (unless he eats what was made *eye roll*) and so on.  One of those days I’d like to say “wait ’til your father gets home” but well we’ll be waiting a long a** time!  God bless the moms that do this with a whole troupe of kids.

But as a bit of reassurance in my Eva methods, B’s friend who he says “doesn’t have a mother” (rather she doesn’t live with them) doesn’t seem to ever want to leave – I can’t be so bad

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Posted by on September 29, 2010 in Family, Personal

 

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Striking out.

I’m like the most uncoolest mom ever, lately.  After the drama of the neighborhood bully-at-the-busstop incident, I decided to stand firm on the subject of his younger brother.  I sat down B and E after school the following day and made it very clear that said brother was not welcome to play at my house aka live there between 4 and 7 pm, unless he was willing to make a change in his own behavior and be a real and decent friend.  And sat him down and had a talk when he enevitably showed up as if the day before hadn’t happened.

Literally had to explain that it’s not acceptable to just be nice when his brother isn’t around and that putting up with or participating in foul language and bad behavior when the brother is there is not appropriate friend behavior.  “Be a friend all the time or you’re not a friend at all” was met with crickets.  “But we apologized at school” *sigh*  as if that’s a free pass to go right back to the same ole.  I’d give about anything for a nice neighbor kid for B to play with at night or on the weekend.

Neighbor kid been by several times and I’ve told him the same thing each time and had a very upset B today, but I just won’t budge.  Though I will keep my word if he does indeed turn things around, I don’t care if they ever play again, no matter how bad I feel about the family dynamics going on at his house.  I have enough problems.

 
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Posted by on March 23, 2010 in At Home

 

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Sisters, meh.

Foolishly at times I still want the gathered around the piano singing sisters (figuratively) when the Joe/Amy pulling each others’ hair out/burning the manuscript sisters is what we’re always going to be destined for.

I’m mad at myself for not just calling my sister number one out on her most recent clueless, flaky, self-centered behavior, as it would’ve been the right thing to do.  But we just don’t have that kind of relationship and much like a young child or puppy once the moment is gone she’d never even remember the incident.  Until the next one rolls along.

I know I shouldn’t take it personally, and won’t in the future, it’s just how she is.  But I also don’t have to be “sisterly” with nothing coming my way in return.  Every contact is one-sided, texting me to pass on a message from our mother does not count, heh.  The part of me that just accepts it, knows it is a learned behavior – my mom didn’t have sisters or sister-in-laws that lasted and doesn’t really have more than acquaintances or “church friends” and doesn’t instill that value in her girls.  I’m the oddity that’s always preaching the gospel of best girlfriends.

However, I’m thankful to be surrounded by great women than uplift me, encourage me, entertain me and accept me.  “And that’s all I need”.

 
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Posted by on March 3, 2010 in Family, Personal, Thoughts

 

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I spoke too soon.

I was told B is not reading at the right level for the mid-year review.  Which alone makes me laugh since they literally test the kids each week in ISTEP format.  Feel like it’s always something, and it’s always falling back on me and what I’m not doing enough of or well enough.  We’ve spent so much time working on math and now it’s reading.  If I wasn’t totally meh on the subject, he would be an ideal candidate for homeschooling. I think he could focus better and learn a whole lot more in 2 hours than in the 7 he’s at school.  It doesn’t help that his teacher doesn’t really seem to connect – it made such a difference last year with an awesome teacher, this year no such luck.

So much to his disappointment, we had to add reading comprehension work to our evening repetoir.  At least this I can do, I’m dreading the work getting harder.  Sometimes I have no clue what he’s supposed to do on worksheets as it is.  *weaving a figurative noose*

 
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Posted by on February 2, 2010 in Personal, Thoughts

 

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Another week down, million more to go!

Ah motherhood!  To say it goes day by day is an understatement.  I’m always thankful for surviving to the next one without losing my mind or my heart breaking.  We had a good school week.  No screaming matches over getting homework done, though B still didn’t remember to bring home his spelling words to study.  It sounds like the most stupid thing ever but it is the struggle of every single week.  At least I know that the kid will never ever forget my pestering on spelling.  I was also pretty proud of him bringing home a division worksheet where he only missed one.  I cried.  I’ve been working with him on math, always a scary prospect, since he doesn’t seem to glean anything from his teacher – I hold them both responsible ha.  But he’s at least getting something.  Sometimes the weight of that responsibility is huge – why God couldn’t I have an over achiever or self-starter?  Even a mild independent like myself? 

Before I could do a dance and jig (but after I’d hung up the fridge candy) my child came home from grandma’s.  Now we’re back to normal – bratty, exhausting behavior.  Thank goodness this only lasts temporarily to he remembers where he lives and gives up the ghost.

I snorted/laughed so hard at this moment in Weeds:

“Nice, Shane goes on a paint rampage, gets suspended. The two of you ditch school to fuck in my guest room. I’ve got everything under control. ”

I’m reminded it can always be worse, school troubles and mouthing off I’ll take.  Stay away tween years, stay far, far away from me.

 
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Posted by on January 30, 2010 in At Home, Personal

 

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The Baby

My mom paid me an unintentional compliment, how much my baby sister is like me.  Our temperments, interests, two calming presences.

Lately things have been rough on the homefront.  Gone are the arguments about getting a bath, bedtime or cleaning up a room til it’s actually clean.  They’ve been replaced with frustrating battles over homework, doing even the simplest things when asked, respecting decisions I make, accepting a “no”.  I’ve felt stunned by hearing my child spew out “I don’t have to listen to you” “I can do what I want” and the like.  I have to stop a laugh, sure it’s a joke – my kid is not teenager.

We’ve had so many more bad than good days.  I’ve eaten many suppers alone, taken many things away.  Spent so many days crying, feeling like a fraud that I could take care of other children with some ease.  Though I can’t even seem to instill any respect in my own child or the list of other things.

Feeling like an inadequate mess barely wanting to confide in others.  I feel bested by the strong willed argumentative nature of a child that is his father’s son.  His grandparents and aunt understand a bit more and still praise my tenacity at keeping at hime.  Trying to encourage his good behavior, strengths, creative side, teaching him the importance of apologizing and honest prayers.

Things I don’t even see myself doing anymore – my feelings of struggle and failure overshadowing everything else.  Those seeds of doubt sprouting up that I shouldn’t have been his mother at all, should of listened to the family pressure to find him a home with two parents that were more equipped for this. Painful to admit.

As I watch B and E playing Legos for hours, laughing and talking, oblivious to the conversation in the next room.  I felt the usual twinge of happiness at seeing the besties in action.  And saw how well they fit.  It works, whether it’s a knockdown drag-out wrestling match or playing endlessly, their personalities are well suited.  She’s a me and he’s better with her that anyone else.

Just as B was meant to be my opposite.  For whatever reason, God intended him to be my greatest joy and pain. *sigh*

 
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Posted by on December 14, 2009 in Family, Personal

 

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“He’s the one that missed out.”

I haven’t talked to Braiden about his dad in honestly probably a year and half?  Maybe more.  Other than a random thing about something they like in common and when he inherited his dad’s old G.I. Joes.  I used to try to but I really know nothing of his life the last couple years and not sure what were supposed to say about him.  His grandma asked if I’d told him about his dad’s marriage, besides my puzzled look I said no – “you have a new mommy, B!”.   What would I say about strangers?

I’m equally irritated with both the CW and now ABC for changing around their late night schedule – no Sex and the City reruns now no Scrubs reruns after Jimmy Kimmel.  What’s an insomniac to do?  Watch televangelists.  I often sit in a daze at the weird stuff that is broadcast on the couple of Christian channels we get.  Thinking of all the good movies, talk show premises, music options out there that could be used.  But a woman being interviewed really caught my attention as I was passing through.  She spoke of meeting her dad only once as an adult and realizing he was the one that missed out on knowing her, not the other way around.  A lot more good stuff but I think that is my starting point.

Sometimes I forget that the rejection doesn’t go away if we just don’t talk about it.  Hey, a mom can wish.

 
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Posted by on September 25, 2009 in Family, Personal, Thoughts

 

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